I want to be a mom. But I can't.

Instead, I'm a mom wannabe. I want to procreate. I want to conceive a child naturally with my husband, in the privacy of our home, in the spirit of love and passion, in the way God intended. But I can't.

Instead, I suspect a doctor and a laboratory will try to assist God with our conception while my husband watches from the other side of the room. I want to have sore breasts and be totally exhausted, then discover that my period is several days late. I want to buy a pregnancy test and pee on a stick. I want to see a second line. I want to cry tears of joy for the news we'd discover. I want to surprise my husband with the news that he is going to be a daddy. I want to see the look on his face. But I can't.

Instead, I cry tears of pain every month when it doesn't happen and I cry to my husband, "Why??" and I apologize for being defective, because he is fine. I want to experience morning sickness. I want my hormones to go haywire. I want the 'pregnant glow.' I want to have my husband talk to my belly. But I can't. I want to take pre-natal vitamins. I want to eat for two. I want to schedule my first doctor's visit. I want to sit in the waiting room with other pregnant women and know that I am one of them. But I can't.

Instead, I wonder if those pregnant women ever had problems conceiving and if they are taking that little miracle for granted. I think how cute they look as they waddle with their big bellies. I smile at babies that are not mine. I ache from loving someone I've never met. I want to hear the Doctor say, "You're pregnant. Your progress is right on schedule." But I can't.

Instead, I hear my well-meaning friends say "just relax." Wow! If I had known anxiety was an effective form of birth control, I'd have tried it years ago! I wanted to surprise my parents with a new grandchild; instead I burdened them with the news that we are having problems conceiving. I want my life to change overnight. I want to read What to Expect When You're Expecting. But I can't.

Instead, I read When Empty Arms Leave a Heavy Burden. I want to wear maternity clothes and rub my belly (but not too much because it annoys the heck out of me when pregnant women do that continuously!) I want to monitor the progress. I want to see the ultrasounds. I want to hear the heartbeat. I want stretch marks. I want to watch our baby grow. I want to feel the kicks. I want to be measured. But I can't.

Instead, I give blood, get poked and prodded and have surgery. I pray for my eggs to grow and pray they fertilize. I take my temperature and try to interpret every little rise and dip, and how it compares with my temperature pattern last month. I take supplements. I wait. I pray. I wait for the one phone call that can make our life better. Or worse. I want to decorate the nursery. I want to childproof our home. I want to shop for adorable, soft, tiny outfits. I want to shop at Gymboree. I want to save money for the baby's future. But I can't.

Instead, I imagine a crib in the empty room down the hall. I avoid the baby stores in the mall. I want to be the one to excuse myself to go nurse my baby.

Instead, I'm the one stuck at the table with all the husbands. I want to use a car seat. I want to pump. I want to have my baby throw up all over me. I want to change dirty diapers. I want to give baths. I want to watch my husband hold our baby from across the room. But I can't.

Instead, I watch him with our niece and love the way he loves her, but get my heart broken each time I see it. I want to see him love OUR baby. I want to tell my friends about how my baby learned to roll over, or say da-da, or how he took his diaper off and threw it across the room. I want to buy my baby new shoes. But I can't.

Instead, we will spend our money on doctor appointments, tests and high tech procedures. We will spend our money on a dream. We may be left with an empty bank account. We may be left with empty arms. I want to share the experience with my pregnant friends. I want to compare symptoms. I want to be the guest of honor at a baby shower. But I can't.

Instead, I watch my friends get pregnant quickly. I watch their bellies grow, attend their showers, see their pictures and try to be a good friend. I watch their lives change and our friendships change in front of my eyes. I want my belly to drop. I want my water to break. I want contractions. I want my husband by my side and my family in the waiting room. I want the pushing. I want the pain. I want to hear the cry. But I can't.

Instead, I feel a different pain. I hear my own cry. Yes, I even hear the cry of my husband which hurts more than I had ever imagined. I want to hold our baby in my arms, with tears of joy streaming down our faces. I want the nurses to take a picture of us when our baby is only minutes old. I want to experience the miracle of birth, thinking, "We did it!", but knowing that God did it. But I can't.

Instead, I hold my husband in my arms with tears of sorrow streaming down our faces and wonder what God's plan is for us and why we have to go through this. I want to pray that one extra special blessing be added to my life. And I do. I pray my 1000th unanswered prayer to God and hope that this time He answers. I pray for the miracle of life that only God can give. I pray that someday soon, He will give it to us. I want to be a mom. --- But I can't.

Instead, I am right where God wants me to be: thankful for our blessings, searching out His will, basking in His grace, trusting in His perfect plan, praying for a change in status from a mom wannabe . . . to the mom I want to be.

Written by Alison Kathleen Whitney 8/25/99

It Ain't Over Till The Fat Lady Sings

Well, just when we thought our rollercoaster ride of emotions had leveled out a bit God throws us another curve.

Sandy is going to be doing another HPT in the morning just to make sure that it doesn't come out positive. It is a long shot that this would be good news but again "little is much when God is in it" so we are keeping a little bit of hope alive.

God is good no matter what happens.

Sad Day

Well, it seems that sometime in the last few days we lost the baby/babies. Sandy's HCG went down from 11.8 to 6.3.

It is very sad - it is hard to know exactly why it happened but hopefully next time will be better. Hopefully I will respond to the drugs a little better and the retreval won't be so hard on me.

We have an appt. with Dr. J on Wednesday next week (2/27) to talk about what to do next. So, maybe we will have a Christmas baby???

"Little is much when God is in it and no one can phathom the plans He has made."

Beta #1

The beta today was 11.8. Under 5 is a negative. However, below 50 they don't really want to say you are pregnant. So, originally the 2nd beta was going to be Wed.

BUT, the nurse just called and said that Sandy is going to go in tomorrow just to make sure it is rising. If it goes down then it did not work. But if it goes up then there is still hope.

Something in me just says that everything is going to be okay.

PICTURE

Well, here are some pictures. You may need to click on the picture and look at the larger image to see the plus sign. Also, Scott took a picture of all my used needles and some medicine.

HPT

Well, we did the whole 'pee on a stick' thing and it was positive.

I don't care what anyone else says - it was faint but it was a positive!

I will let ya'll know when we try again....

Dilema

Sometimes people take a home pregnancy test about 9 days after the transfer...

To take or not to take - that is the question.

Actually, I know I want to do it. I think the better question is when. Should we try tomorrow morning? Or wait until the weekend when it is more likely to be accurate?

Back from the Hospital

I am feeling a little bit better - I am not in so much pain that I feel like I need to take a bunch of pain meds but I am still uncomfortable. I am hoping things turn around today because I have a lot of school work I need to do tomorrow and then I plan on going back to school on Monday. Right now it takes all my energy just to take a shower....

Here are the pictures from the transfer on Wed. The first one is a picture of the uterus and the circled white stuff is the fluid the embies are in. The doctor said that if the uterus is a football field then the embryos are footballs (size comparison). The second one are the two embryos under the microscope. Enjoy!

Fertilization Report

Well, they retrieved three embryos and two of the fertilized. You know - this could mean one of two things. Here is the deal.

I was talking to God and I happened to mention that if I had my way I would only get two embryos and then we would have twins.

So, either God was listening and decided to answer my prayers or he doesn't want us to have a baby this way so that is why we didn't get great results. I guess we will find out around the 18th!

So, the transfer is on Wed. We will leave here around 5 or 5:30. It would be really be nice if it wouldn't snow....

Recovery

Some how I was able to sleep for most of the night after sleeping a lot yesterday. Right now though I feel wide awake.

So, I have sharp pain every time I try to use my stomach muscles. I have discovered that the only thing I can move without using these muscles is my hand and arm. Every other movement has to be done very slowly.

I am actually sitting up right now. I tried to sit up for a while yesterday but I thought I was going to throw-up. I feel good sitting up today though - as long as I am leaning back a little bit. They put one of the incisions right on the crease of my stomach with is very inconvienent.

No call from the biologist or nurses yet. I will update later!

Feb 1st Update

Okay - I take my hcg shot tonight at 7pm and then the retrieval will be 36 hours later in Indy! Also, Dr. Jarrett has agreed to transfer two embryos so we may have twins! He says that each one has a 70% of 'sticking' which makes having twins a 49% chance. A little under 50-50 but oh well.

Peace out,
Kate

Feb 1st

So, last night we got like 8 or 9 inches of snow. So, school was canceled and Scott doesn't even have to go to work!

However, my ovaries wait for no man! I had blood work and an ultrasound this morning at 7:15. So, we got to the clinic and the doors were locked. Eventually someone let us in. Then we went to the lab and they were 'half-closed' they said. So they asked "Is this urgent?" and I paused to think "What is urgent - I'm not dying or anything" and then they said "Is it for Dr. Jarrett?" So, apparently I was on the urgent list. I feel so important.

Anyway, they did my sono (well, we had to wait for the technician to get in to the office - the roads were bad. I watched TV though and Scott got some work done). I now have 7 mature follicles on my right side. Most were around 25mm now. That is huge. They need to stop growing!

Then we had to drive to the hospital because the blodwork wouldn't be abelt to be processed in time at the clinic. The nurse there was really funny.

So, the nurse should call me sometime today. I will update then! Yay for snow days!!!